To Live an Inspired Life

I'm having my semester break right now and it's my third day being home in Kedah. I had a lot of thinking time. I read my old diary and reminded on how different I was back then. Mind you, I was full of emotions . Like literally I was just a ball of hormones rolling around in circles and it never ends. I get angry, I get sad, I get annoyed. But I was also happier. I was more cheerful. I looked forward to life. I was excited with pretty much anything . I was inspired and motivated. 

How exactly though, do you measure happiness? Or sadness? How do you know you were happier then? More content even. See I've always been curious. I wanted to have answers for everything. Sometimes I get the answers, sometimes I keep on wondering. 

Funny.

I was reminded back to my A- Levels days where I had to take IELTS and part of the activity that we had in class that day was to pair up and literally converse in English. My partner who was a senior asked me, " What inspired you?" . At that time I answered " the littlest things". I was inspired by the trees, on how it sways by the wind, I was inspired by the birds for being able to fly, I was inspired by anything really. I could literally talk about how good a person is and how I wanted to be like them. I remembered only speaking of good things about them , things that motivates me to be better. 

I don't have that anymore. 

I'm in a trance where I cannot find any inspiration to the death of me. Even small things demotivates me. Like its cold outside or it gets dark quicker, or it rains too often. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but these seemingly simple factors can get me feeling like I'm stuck in a rut. So I've been trying to dream up ways to keep myself staying inspired and motivated. And it's got me thinking about what it means to live an inspired life. 

It means to breathe. To wake up knowing you are starting a new day. A fresh start. Some don't even have the privilege of waking up so breathe. Take it all in , keep it safe and then the next day starts over. Those inspirations don't just come. Sometimes we have to look for them. 

Self

I've made up my mind. I've always had a diary that I'd write into every now and then because you know, when you're someone who had just so much to say 24 hours isn't enough. So I've decided to treat this blog as a sort of diary. Not really because there are things I would keep to myself so.hmm perhaps a journal? Something that I can look back on knowing that everything I post here is something that has been filtered. In a sense its a toned down version of my diary because a diary isn't a diary unless you pour out some tsunami of emotions you know. All I'm saying I won't be posting anything out of anger , foul language or anything sappy. Okay sappy is allowed. I love sappy. Who doesn't right? It's always good to be a little sensitive once in a blue moon. Gosh my writings are so bad. I mean I need to read a lot more. Improve my vocab.
Oh well.
Too late.
Posting this.

Wasted potential

Hey. Im starting to blog again. Because guess who's in a hard time and completely feels like giving up on life now? Yup. This girl.

I’m smart. Or at least I thought I was. 

You all know the story. You were once “the smart kid.” You had so much potential, people would often say, and you’d believe it. You felt invincible in early grades, because you were smart, and didn’t have to try. But as years wore on, things got harder, and you found that in order to stay ahead, to stay “the smart kid,” you had to study, to apply yourself, and to use all that potential. However, you weren’t used to using any effort and expected it all to come naturally like it always did. Soon you were no longer the smart kid, you were just a regular person, keeping pace with everyone else, only trying a little less. Soon you fell behind because you never actually applied any of your potential and you were scared to start, because what if you failed? What if you were never as good as they said? After all, it’s better to be the kid with potential, who never used it, than to be the burnout failure, right? So you get by on sheer potential and laziness with an average, at least you didn't fail and pretend like you could do better if only you cared. But the reality is that, because you never tried, this is all you are. This is all you can be. This is all I am.

Im sorry. Its just lately I'm going through something and I can't handle it as well as I thought I could. I couldn't handle the pressure and this wrenched feeling of being abandoned. I felt like my government abandoned me and I've tried everything to make it go a different direction , it just not happening. Life just wasn't fair. Isn't fair. 

I dont think I'm right for this. I don't fit in.I can't help but feel inadequate. Like I am not good enough for this and Im at that point where I just don't want to try anymore. Just..I'm not in a good place right now and I don't know how or who to reach out for. 

Yes. Tell me to pray. Tell me to reach for the almighty.

I can't. 

Year 2 started with disappointment and a bunch of heartaches. I lost focus early on and now it's hard to get back on track. I want to give up you know. Give up on my studies. Give up on life. Give up on me.

The New Beginnings

Assalamualaikum and hello peeps
To be honest I've nothing to say. I don't even know why I'm creating this blog. Perhaps its my little quick getaway .
So a little history of me and the blogging world is that  I started blogging in 2009. Wow right? 6 bloody years ago. Back then I started because I wanted to update my friends and relatives in Malaysia about my life in UK but I was so young so reading back my old posts , all I could think about was the fact that wow I was so childish. I didnt want to delete the blogs because as childish as it was I'm also a hoarder. And I hoard literally everything. Even blog posts apparently. See that little description on my profile, I think I wrote that when I was just 12. Don't judge meh . It makes me laugh everytime I read it so whatever. It makes me happy.