Wasted potential

Hey. Im starting to blog again. Because guess who's in a hard time and completely feels like giving up on life now? Yup. This girl.

I’m smart. Or at least I thought I was. 

You all know the story. You were once “the smart kid.” You had so much potential, people would often say, and you’d believe it. You felt invincible in early grades, because you were smart, and didn’t have to try. But as years wore on, things got harder, and you found that in order to stay ahead, to stay “the smart kid,” you had to study, to apply yourself, and to use all that potential. However, you weren’t used to using any effort and expected it all to come naturally like it always did. Soon you were no longer the smart kid, you were just a regular person, keeping pace with everyone else, only trying a little less. Soon you fell behind because you never actually applied any of your potential and you were scared to start, because what if you failed? What if you were never as good as they said? After all, it’s better to be the kid with potential, who never used it, than to be the burnout failure, right? So you get by on sheer potential and laziness with an average, at least you didn't fail and pretend like you could do better if only you cared. But the reality is that, because you never tried, this is all you are. This is all you can be. This is all I am.

Im sorry. Its just lately I'm going through something and I can't handle it as well as I thought I could. I couldn't handle the pressure and this wrenched feeling of being abandoned. I felt like my government abandoned me and I've tried everything to make it go a different direction , it just not happening. Life just wasn't fair. Isn't fair. 

I dont think I'm right for this. I don't fit in.I can't help but feel inadequate. Like I am not good enough for this and Im at that point where I just don't want to try anymore. Just..I'm not in a good place right now and I don't know how or who to reach out for. 

Yes. Tell me to pray. Tell me to reach for the almighty.

I can't. 

Year 2 started with disappointment and a bunch of heartaches. I lost focus early on and now it's hard to get back on track. I want to give up you know. Give up on my studies. Give up on life. Give up on me.